{"id":752,"date":"2009-09-17T12:56:55","date_gmt":"2009-09-17T19:56:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/matthewkirby.com\/kirbside\/?p=752"},"modified":"2009-09-17T12:56:55","modified_gmt":"2009-09-17T19:56:55","slug":"a-conversation-in-spam","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/matthewjkirby.com\/kirbside\/?p=752","title":{"rendered":"A Conversation in Spam"},"content":{"rendered":"

My blog’s spam filter blocks all kinds of interesting comments, which are typically listed as being authored by an apparently verbal and sometimes intelligent pharmaceutical.\u00a0 Usually, the comments are along the unintelligible lines of, “qkweyfpewlku…@#$%!34.”\u00a0 But lately, I’ve had some rather coherent comments that actually started to make my spam queue sound like an online chat room for prescription drugs.\u00a0 So, I’ve taken the real unedited<\/em> comments and arranged them to present to you Zyprexa’s Party: <\/em>A Conversation in Spam<\/em>.<\/p>\n

ACT I<\/span><\/p>\n

SCENE 1<\/span><\/p>\n

Setting: A swanky cocktail party where all the coolest drugs are mingling.\u00a0 Several drugs are talking, including Zyprexa (the party’s host), Vytorin, and Celebrex.<\/em><\/p>\n

(VYTORIN pulls out a cigarette.)<\/p>\n

VYTORIN<\/p>\n

Would you mind my smoking?<\/p>\n

ZYPREXA<\/p>\n

I beg your pardon!<\/p>\n

CELEBREX<\/p>\n

I can’t believe it!<\/p>\n

(VYTORIN scowls.\u00a0 He walks over to DETROL, shaking his head.)<\/p>\n

VYTORIN<\/p>\n

I didn’t mean it anything bad.<\/p>\n

DETROL<\/p>\n

(pats VYTORIN on the back)<\/p>\n

I’m so sorry.<\/p>\n

(VYTORIN shrugs, pulls out a match, and lights his cigarette.\u00a0 GENERIC DANAZOL walks over to him.)<\/p>\n

GENERIC DANAZOL<\/p>\n

May I join you?<\/p>\n

(VYTORIN and GENERIC DANAZOL begin to smoke.\u00a0 Across the room, CELEBREX, FLOMAX, and ZYPREXA see them.\u00a0 CELEBREX appears angry and tries to get ZYPREXA to confront them.)<\/p>\n

ZYPREXA<\/p>\n

(shaking her head)<\/p>\n

I don’t feel like going there.<\/p>\n

FLOMAX<\/p>\n

I see.<\/p>\n

SCENE 2<\/span><\/p>\n

(ZYPREXA, MAXALT, LAMICTAL, CHEAP LIPITOR and ZETIA are talking around the refreshment table.\u00a0 The punch bowl and plates are empty.\u00a0 Everyone is standing around, looking at the table and ZYPREXA.)<\/p>\n

MAXALT<\/p>\n

(to ZYPREXA)<\/p>\n

Can I have some coffee, please?<\/p>\n

CHEAP LIPITOR<\/p>\n

(leans in to LAMICTAL and whispers loud enough for everyone to hear)<\/p>\n

Could we have some water, please?<\/p>\n

ZETIA<\/p>\n

(laughing)<\/p>\n

<\/em> I’d like a packet of biscuits, please.<\/p>\n

(Everyone laughs except ZYPREXA.\u00a0 ZYPREXA looks around the room.\u00a0 She clearly did not expect this many drugs to come to her party.\u00a0 LAMICTAL touches her on the shoulder.)<\/p>\n

LAMICTAL<\/p>\n

Is there a supermarket near here?<\/p>\n

(Everyone laughs again, and ZYPREXA storms away, past GENERIC KEPPRA, ZOMETA, ACTONEL, and ALLI.\u00a0 They are all looking at each other or at their watches, and appear bored.)<\/p>\n

GENERIC KEPPRA<\/p>\n

I\u2019m going home to \u2026\u2019s place,<\/p>\n

ZOMETA<\/p>\n

(shaking her head in disapproval)<\/p>\n

Not yet.<\/p>\n

ALLI<\/p>\n

(turns to ACTONEL)<\/p>\n

Would you like to go out tonight?<\/p>\n

ACTONEL<\/p>\n

(takes one more look around the room and nods)<\/p>\n

<\/em> Let’s…<\/p>\n

(ALLI and ACTONEL leave the party.\u00a0 After they are gone, GENERIC KEPPRA and ZOMETA follow after them.\u00a0 ZYPREXA sees them leave.\u00a0 She begins to cry, but tries to hide it.\u00a0 FOSAMAX has observed the whole scene and comes forward.\u00a0 He puts his arm around ZYPREXA.)<\/p>\n

FOSAMAX<\/p>\n

Good for you.<\/p>\n

END<\/span><\/p>\n

Compelling theater, yes?\u00a0 Post-modern minimalism, but then, some of those drugs have very short half-lives.\u00a0 They have to get to the point quickly.\u00a0 Sometimes, the drug and their comment match up in funny ways, (“It’s a present!” said Viagra) but I couldn’t find a way to work them into the script.\u00a0 Anyway, I may post another scene if these drugs keep talking to each other in my spam queue.\u00a0 Or maybe that’s the end of the party.\u00a0 We’ll see.<\/p>\n


\n<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My blog’s spam filter blocks all kinds of interesting comments, which are typically listed as being authored by an apparently verbal and sometimes intelligent pharmaceutical.\u00a0 Usually, the comments are along the unintelligible lines of, “qkweyfpewlku…@#$%!34.”\u00a0 But lately, I’ve had some rather coherent comments that actually started to make my spam queue sound like an […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-752","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-miscellaneous"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1mtjQ-c8","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/matthewjkirby.com\/kirbside\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/752","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/matthewjkirby.com\/kirbside\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/matthewjkirby.com\/kirbside\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/matthewjkirby.com\/kirbside\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/matthewjkirby.com\/kirbside\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=752"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/matthewjkirby.com\/kirbside\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/752\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/matthewjkirby.com\/kirbside\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=752"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/matthewjkirby.com\/kirbside\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=752"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/matthewjkirby.com\/kirbside\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=752"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}