As I arrived at work the other day, my principal came into my office and asked me if I wanted to do something fun with him.<\/p>\n
“Sure thing,” I said.<\/p>\n
“Thanks.\u00a0 I need to you be the Green Spy,” he said.<\/p>\n
“The what?”<\/p>\n
“The Green Spy.”<\/p>\n
“Okay,” I said.\u00a0 “What’s the Green Spy?”<\/p>\n
“You go around to the classrooms and you give prizes to the students.\u00a0 It’s for Green Ribbon Week.”<\/p>\n
“Oh,” I said.\u00a0 That sounded like fun to me.\u00a0 I like going into the classrooms.\u00a0 And Green Ribbon Week is intended to promote safety awareness, so I felt good about being involved.\u00a0 “I could do that,” I said.<\/p>\n
“Great!” my principal said.\u00a0 “Come down to my office and get your costume.”<\/p>\n
“Wait, I wear a costume?”\u00a0 In that moment I began to experience the first flutters of apprehension over what I had just agreed to, but I followed my principal down the hallway.\u00a0 We went into his office, and he shut the door.<\/p>\n
“I was the Green Spy last year,” he said as he pulled a garment bag out of a closet.\u00a0 “But the kids all figured out it was me.\u00a0 I want to throw them off this year.”<\/p>\n
He laid the garment bag out on his conference table and unzipped it.\u00a0 Inside was a suit.\u00a0 A green suit.\u00a0 A leprechaun-green suit, with glittery gold dollar signs all over it.\u00a0 It also had really wide cuffs and a fat collar printed with $100-dollar bills, only these Ben Franklin’s wore zebra-stripes and came from “The United States of Funk.”<\/p>\n
“Uh…” I said.\u00a0 “What is<\/em> this?”<\/p>\n “It’s a pimp costume,” he said.<\/p>\n “A what?”\u00a0 That’s when I noticed the matching hat with an exceptionally wide brim.<\/p>\n “Yeah, last year they told me I needed to find a green costume, but when I went to the costume shop this was the only green thing they had.”<\/p>\n “So the Green Spy is really the Green Pimp?”<\/p>\n He laughed.\u00a0 Then he pulled out a Zorro mask.\u00a0 “Last year I also wore this, but it wasn’t enough.\u00a0 So I got something different for this year.<\/p>\n “What?” I asked.<\/p>\n “This.”\u00a0 And he pulled out a green Frankenstein mask.<\/p>\n “This?”\u00a0 I asked.<\/p>\n “Oh.\u00a0 And you also wear this.”\u00a0 He reached deeper into the garment back and pulled out a wig.\u00a0 A long, black, ratty looking wig.\u00a0 Like something shaved from the head of a member of an 80’s metal band.<\/p>\n “Are you serious?” I asked.<\/p>\n “Yeah,” he said.\u00a0 “I wore it last year.\u00a0 Except for the mask.”<\/p>\n By this time, I simply had to laugh and go along with it.\u00a0 I stepped into the restroom to change, careful not to let any children see me.\u00a0 Honestly, I felt like Miss Nelson putting on the Viola Swamp get-up and going missing (it was the black wig that did it).\u00a0 I even arranged my office so it would look like I had just stepped out for a moment.\u00a0 I worried about the costume fitting, but since it was made of a conveniently stretchy and forgiving material, I was able to pull it on.\u00a0 Then the latex mask, the wig, and finally, the pimp hat.\u00a0 I looked in the mirror, and I honestly scared myself.<\/p>\n I took a deep breath and stepped out in the hallway where I startled some PTA moms.<\/p>\n “I’m the Green Spy,” I said as I walked by, attempting to act casual.\u00a0 I hoped they knew what the Green Spy was.<\/p>\n They just stared, so maybe they didn’t.<\/p>\n In the main office, my principal saw me and laughed.\u00a0 “You look awesome!\u00a0 Let’s go get the prizes.”\u00a0 We stepped back into his office, and he pulled out a bag that one of the Green Ribbon Week sponsors had left for the students.\u00a0 We opened it up and looked inside.\u00a0 It was filled with ball-point pens, key chains, and little breath mint dispensers, all with the name of a local insurance agency printed on them.\u00a0 The kind of freebies you see in little baskets on receptionists’ desks that no one ever takes.<\/p>\n “These are the prizes?” I asked.<\/p>\n He shook his head.\u00a0 “Let me make a call.”<\/p>\n So I hung out in the costume, trying to avoid the hallways where I might be seen, until my principal found me.\u00a0 He had the bag of “prizes” with him.\u00a0 “We’ll go ahead and use these.\u00a0 The kids will love them.”<\/p>\n I shrugged.\u00a0 “So I just give one to every student?”<\/p>\n “No, just the ones wearing green.”<\/p>\n I stopped.\u00a0 “Um.\u00a0 I’m color-blind.”<\/p>\n “You are?”<\/p>\n “Yes.”<\/p>\n “So what do you see?”<\/p>\n “I just can’t tell certain colors apart.”<\/p>\n “What colors?”<\/p>\n “Red and green.”<\/p>\n “Oh.”<\/p>\n “So how am I supposed to–”<\/p>\n “The teachers will help you.\u00a0 Let’s go.”<\/p>\n So I walked with him down the kindergarten hall, a Frankenstein Colorblind Pimp Monster, hoping to somehow spot the kids who were wearing green through a mask that was getting pretty… moist.\u00a0 “How should I talk?” I asked my principal.\u00a0 “Like, what kind of voice should I use?”<\/p>\n “Any voice you want,” he said.\u00a0 “I’m going in first to turn off the lights, then I’ll turn them back on when you walk in.”<\/p>\n So he did, and I stepped through the door, and he turned the lights on.<\/p>\n Several kids in the class screamed.\u00a0 All of them looked frightened.\u00a0 Their poor teacher even jumped a little, but realized that I was apparently the Green Spy she had heard would be coming through.<\/p>\n “Look kids!” she said.<\/p>\n “It’s a green monster!” one of the students shouted.<\/p>\n “No,” she said.\u00a0 “It’s the Green Spy!”<\/p>\n And here, I spoke.\u00a0 Don’t ask me why I chose the voice I did.\u00a0 I don’t really know.\u00a0 I was trying to sound, you know, sneaky.\u00a0 Like a spy telling a secret.\u00a0 But instead it came out sounding like a raspy old witch.\u00a0 “I’m the Green Spy!” I hissed.\u00a0 “I’m here to give you a prize!\u00a0 Who’s wearing green?”<\/p>\n No one raised their hand.\u00a0 I don’t think they wanted me to come any closer.<\/p>\n I looked around.\u00a0 “Who’s wearing green?” I asked again.\u00a0 Seriously, who’s wearing green<\/em>?<\/p>\n “Raise your hands if you have green on,” my principal said.<\/p>\n Hands went up, and I made the rounds with my bag of crap.\u00a0 And the kids really did seem to like the prizes after all.\u00a0 Especially the keychains.\u00a0 I finished handing it all out, and said, “I’ll be back next year!” but it sounded less like a good thing and more like a threat.<\/p>\n “That was great!” my principal said out in the hallway.\u00a0 “Let’s go to the next class.”<\/p>\n We repeated that for every room in the building.\u00a0 First grade to sixth.\u00a0 Every class tried to guess who I was, but none of them did.\u00a0 Some even claimed I was the principal, even though he was standing right next to me.\u00a0 I tried different voices throughout the morning, even doing my best James Bond with a vaguely British accent.\u00a0 And soon I was back in the bathroom, staring at the mirror in a state of semi-disbelief before I removed the Frankenstein mask and pimp suit.\u00a0 The wig had left my hair in a matted, sweaty mess, so I waited a few minutes for it to dry so as not to give out any clues to my identity (Clark Kent would be proud).\u00a0 I replaced the costume in the garment bag and returned to my office.<\/p>\n A little while later, a couple of students came by to ask me if I knew who the Green Spy was.\u00a0 I just shrugged and tossed them some red herring clues about the custodian and the assistant principal.\u00a0 Something about a black wig I saw in one of their closets.\u00a0 The students left, and I smiled, and I thought about what a cool job I have.\u00a0 But if I get to be the Green Spy next year, I think I’ll try a Tony the Tiger voice instead.\u00a0 Not very spy-ish, but hopefully less frightening.<\/p>\n