You laugh now, but wait till the zombie apocalypse!

A team at the University of Ottawa has contributed a groundbreaking paper to the study of infectious disease: When Zombies Attack!: Mathematical Modelling of an Outbreak of Zombie Infection.  Yes, zombie infection. From the abstract:

“We introduce a basic model for zombie infection, determine equilibria and
their stability, and illustrate the outcome with numerical solutions. We then refine the
model to introduce a latent period of zombification, whereby humans are infected, but
not infectious, before becoming undead. We then modify the model to include the
effects of possible quarantine or a cure. Finally, we examine the impact of regular,
impulsive reductions in the number of zombies and derive conditions under which
eradication can occur. We show that only quick, aggressive attacks can stave off the
doomsday scenario: the collapse of society as zombies overtake us all.”

How can you read that and not laugh?  But then I imagine a scenario in which the undead do rise from their graves, craving the taste of human brains, and I think, “Oh, crap.  Well, I’m glad somebody put some thought into what we do now.”

Of course at that point, the writers of this paper will be rounded up by government agents in black suits and black sunglasses.  You know, the ones who are constantly tapping that wire thingy in their ears.  As the only “experts” on zombification, the scientists will be taken to a top-secret facility that is a) in a desert, and b) very deep underground, at which point the scientists will leave their nerdy scientist identities behind to become the heroes in their own action film.  Hey, that’s about as plausible as a zombie apocalypse, don’t you think?

4 responses to “You laugh now, but wait till the zombie apocalypse!”

  1. Those are the guys who are going to be saved, and chosen to restart society, while the rest of us die bloody, gut spewing deaths at the hands of zombies.

    They’ll have the last laugh, and be all, “Told ya.”

  2. Aaaa . . . Matt,

    You say reading it makes you laugh–I’ve heard that before–but, seriously, you expect me to believe these past few years you haven’t known me at all? Haven’t understood why I’ve been snacking on your brain and the brains of the others we meet with each week?

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