A Conversation in Spam

My blog’s spam filter blocks all kinds of interesting comments, which are typically listed as being authored by an apparently verbal and sometimes intelligent pharmaceutical.  Usually, the comments are along the unintelligible lines of, “qkweyfpewlku…@#$%!34.”  But lately, I’ve had some rather coherent comments that actually started to make my spam queue sound like an online chat room for prescription drugs.  So, I’ve taken the real unedited comments and arranged them to present to you Zyprexa’s Party: A Conversation in Spam.

ACT I

SCENE 1

Setting: A swanky cocktail party where all the coolest drugs are mingling.  Several drugs are talking, including Zyprexa (the party’s host), Vytorin, and Celebrex.

(VYTORIN pulls out a cigarette.)

VYTORIN

Would you mind my smoking?

ZYPREXA

I beg your pardon!

CELEBREX

I can’t believe it!

(VYTORIN scowls.  He walks over to DETROL, shaking his head.)

VYTORIN

I didn’t mean it anything bad.

DETROL

(pats VYTORIN on the back)

I’m so sorry.

(VYTORIN shrugs, pulls out a match, and lights his cigarette.  GENERIC DANAZOL walks over to him.)

GENERIC DANAZOL

May I join you?

(VYTORIN and GENERIC DANAZOL begin to smoke.  Across the room, CELEBREX, FLOMAX, and ZYPREXA see them.  CELEBREX appears angry and tries to get ZYPREXA to confront them.)

ZYPREXA

(shaking her head)

I don’t feel like going there.

FLOMAX

I see.

SCENE 2

(ZYPREXA, MAXALT, LAMICTAL, CHEAP LIPITOR and ZETIA are talking around the refreshment table.  The punch bowl and plates are empty.  Everyone is standing around, looking at the table and ZYPREXA.)

MAXALT

(to ZYPREXA)

Can I have some coffee, please?

CHEAP LIPITOR

(leans in to LAMICTAL and whispers loud enough for everyone to hear)

Could we have some water, please?

ZETIA

(laughing)

I’d like a packet of biscuits, please.

(Everyone laughs except ZYPREXA.  ZYPREXA looks around the room.  She clearly did not expect this many drugs to come to her party.  LAMICTAL touches her on the shoulder.)

LAMICTAL

Is there a supermarket near here?

(Everyone laughs again, and ZYPREXA storms away, past GENERIC KEPPRA, ZOMETA, ACTONEL, and ALLI.  They are all looking at each other or at their watches, and appear bored.)

GENERIC KEPPRA

I’m going home to …’s place,

ZOMETA

(shaking her head in disapproval)

Not yet.

ALLI

(turns to ACTONEL)

Would you like to go out tonight?

ACTONEL

(takes one more look around the room and nods)

Let’s…

(ALLI and ACTONEL leave the party.  After they are gone, GENERIC KEPPRA and ZOMETA follow after them.  ZYPREXA sees them leave.  She begins to cry, but tries to hide it.  FOSAMAX has observed the whole scene and comes forward.  He puts his arm around ZYPREXA.)

FOSAMAX

Good for you.

END

Compelling theater, yes?  Post-modern minimalism, but then, some of those drugs have very short half-lives.  They have to get to the point quickly.  Sometimes, the drug and their comment match up in funny ways, (“It’s a present!” said Viagra) but I couldn’t find a way to work them into the script.  Anyway, I may post another scene if these drugs keep talking to each other in my spam queue.  Or maybe that’s the end of the party.  We’ll see.